Why I don’t love fucking

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Disclaimer: This rant may or may not be read in conjunction with exhibit A: Why I love fucking. This transcript is also available in English.

I don’t swear in front of kids. EVER. In fact, I rarely cuss verbally at all. Hard to believe, I know. I usually save it for written blahs. Like this one. Also, FUCK and his siblings are only ever acceptable when used in the correct situation…..

Never wrestle with a chimney sweep. You’ll end up as sooty as they are. Conversely, ALWAYS find time to wrestle with a thick Chav who doesn’t recognise irony. Just because it’s so fucking funny:

A sunbed-botherer (probably 25 but looks 60), pushes in front of me in a queue. I am trying to maintain and FEED my kids’ good manners, so I point out to them that she was rude to push in. I ensure Miss Orange County can hear me, because I want to have some FUN…..

Right on cue, she marches up to me and does THE HAND:

-Warrayaa fuckin’ talkin’ abow? Cheeky fuckinbitch.

-Excuse Me?

-Yooo ‘eard.

-Actually, I didn’t. Would you care to repeat that?

-Aaaaay (turns to her velour-trackied fella)… Gerra fuckin’ load of ‘ ER! (Turns back) – don’you fuckin’ accuse me in fronta my kids!!!

-Is it not YOU who is up in MY face in front of MY kids? All I did was to point out you’d been rude. Which you had.

-FUCKIN’ OUTSIDE! NOW!!!

-(*Sniggers*) so you’re asking me outside, to fight? Outside a kids’ play centre? Over THIS? You’ve been watching too much telly, sweetheart. Look at the STATE of you.

-Worraya gonna fuckin’ do abarr it? Outside. NOW.

-I don’t fight.

-Wha????

-I’m too classy for that. I have standards. I don’t wrestle with chimney sweeps.

(EXPLODING ORANGENESS ENSUES)..

-Ooo a’YOU to be fuckin’ ternin’ ME down ferra scrap? And Wha’ the fucka ya talkin’ abow?

-I take it back. YOU’RE classy. Just look at the way you’re handling confrontation in front of all these children. You are the HEIGHT of class. I bow down to your command of the English language.

ORANGE WHIRLWIND STORMS AWAY…..

I love being detested by scum. I really do. I especially adore boxing with words. Who needs violence?

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