Open Letter to the Selfie-Haters 

Dear Whomever-is-Complaining-at-This-Particular-Moment-in-Time (also: whomsoever-has-already-complained-or-is-contemplating-thinking-about-complaining).

I shouldn’t even be bothering with this, being that what you think of me is none of my bidness, and that what IS my bidness is none of yours…..

………but I’ll make an exception from my usual EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO NO-ONE  ethos just this once. Everything I know, I learned from me. I’m selfie-taught.

1) SELFIES ARE HEAD SHOTS: We can’t all afford professional shoots. Even those of us that can spare the green (or the plastic) are likely to end up looking like utter tools when forced into uncomfortably unnatural positions in impersonal studios. We know our best side, and we’re sure as shit gonna display it.

12) ART: Selfies allow the subject a form of freedom known as “expression” – look it up.

3) INDIVIDUALITY: You know  us all, do you?: Take your bland tarring-brush, (i.e. your one finger plus your i-phone). Now this: raise it above your head….higher…higher…and now THROW it away. Go on, chuck that fucker. We’re not all self-obsessed morons who take highly inappropriate self-portraits whilst driving to work/walking towards a cliff/insert dangerous situation here. Neither do we all leave our kids in the bath whilst posing in our tightie-whities, taking butt-shots in the mirror.
4) THERAPY: Just how many ugly years have YOU experienced, being told you are hideous by parent or partner? Do you hate your own face and how it stares back at you with its too-close eyes and ugly big nose? No? Thought not. Out of six hundred and thirty-three selfies, we might post ONE on social media, just because it’s not entirely unbearable to look at. Our selfies are therapeutic evidence that we are beautiful (no matter what they say).  
5) SEE THE GOOD SIDE: That young, impressionable girl who’s expressing her creativity into the lens of an i-phone camera? Let her be. Does it bother you THAT much that you have to rip her head off and shit down her neck?  You fucking keyboard warrior – put your pitchfork down. You might be looking at a photo that makes a young, impressionable girl with very little self-worth feel good about herself for one fleeting moment– is that so bad?

6) MOVE ON: You don’t have to look. Or comment. Just ignore it: it’s called S-C-R-O-L-L-I-N-G  D-O-W-N. If this fails, you could try scrolling down the entire friendship and delete us. We certainly won’t mind – and we probably won’t even notice. GOODBYE!!!


7) YAWN: Don’t judge us for our selfies and we won’t judge you for your not-so-cleverly veiled and altogether unimaginative comments. You have a problem with one of us? Tell us direct – don’t hide behind one of your shitty, poorly-observed status updates from planet Generic. Come ON! Where’s your BALLS? We promise we won’t show you ours. Much.



8) WE’RE HAPPY. We have FUN – and we like to show it. Sure – I might change my profile picture every five minutes to suit my mood, but that’s why it’s called MY profile picture. If you’re jealously sad that someone’s happier than you, then go post-haste – to the Life store and pick one up.


9) DON’T BE SHITTY: If you MUST judge, get to know someone before you do so. Judging someone’s selfie-love is equally as unfair as shitting all over someone’s appearance for whatever other shitty reason you can think of. You’re probably the same person who gets on their soap horse* about people calling curvy women fat, so please flush that hypocritical shit of yours down the loo and start over.

* Soap Box + High Horse


10) GET THE FUCK OVER IT.  Go and comment on things that actually matter …I dunno… CURRENT AFFUCKINGFAIRS.





(Or, you could go and extol the virtues of pigmeat or post pictures of your dinner. Or your cat. Or your cat eating dinner).

Gain some PERSPECTIVE, people. Crawl out from your own arse and try and improve the World; even one tiny little bit.

Just like this selfie-confessed optimist is trying to do.



One thought on “IN SELFIE DEFENCE

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