An Everyday Conflab with Ma


A normal, everyday conversation with a mad Irishwoman:

Ma: That actress was in the paper again, did you see her dress?

Me: Who?

Ma: She was in that film with whatshisname. Garfield.

Me: What the ACTUAL?

Ma: Garfield. He played Garfield.

Me: You do know I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about?

Ma: Ok, erm…she was in that thing with the fella from the other thing.

Me: Nope. Think again, Ma…

Ma: The THING! The one with Leslie Nielsen.

Me: Naked Gun? Forbidden Planet?

Ma: He was in Schindling’s list.

Me:(Trying not to laugh) I think you mean Liam Neeson, Ma.

Ma: Yes. But not him, the other fella. Relph. Yeah – that’s ‘im.

Me: Ralph Fiennes? When did he play Garfield?

Ma: The one on the moors. With the girl from the song. The Kate Bush one.

Me: Oh, my good god.

Ma: What?

Me: H E A T H C L I F F, mother.

Ma: That’s the clown.

Me: I’m losing the will to live…

Ma: So does he.

Me: AAAAnnnyway…getting back to your original point, some chick was in a film with Ralph Fiennes, yes?

Ma: Yep. Oh wait – she has an abbreviated name. With a J. OOh – J-LAW maybe.

Me: Jennifer Lawrence – but I’m not sure if she’s been in anything with Ralph.

Ma: She has! The one where she’s a Maid. In Manhattan. But I can’t remember what it’s called.

Me: (Groaning) Jennifer Lopez, Ma. And take a stab at the title.

Ma: That’s her! J20!

Me: That’s a drink, Ma. You mean J-Lo. J-LAW is how you’d say it in a Bury accent.

Ma – Geriatric?

Me: B U R Y A C C E N T.

Ma: what?

Ad infinitum…

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