A normal, everyday conversation with a mad Irishwoman:
Ma: That actress was in the paper again, did you see her dress?
Ma: She was in that film with whatshisname. Garfield.
Me: What the ACTUAL?
Ma: Garfield. He played Garfield.
Me: You do know I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about?
Ma: Ok, erm…she was in that thing with the fella from the other thing.
Me: Nope. Think again, Ma…
Ma: The THING! The one with Leslie Nielsen.
Me: Naked Gun? Forbidden Planet?
Ma: He was in Schindling’s list.
Me:(Trying not to laugh) I think you mean Liam Neeson, Ma.
Ma: Yes. But not him, the other fella. Relph. Yeah – that’s ‘im.
Me: Ralph Fiennes? When did he play Garfield?
Ma: The one on the moors. With the girl from the song. The Kate Bush one.
Me: Oh, my good god.
Me: H E A T H C L I F F, mother.
Ma: That’s the clown.
Me: I’m losing the will to live…
Ma: So does he.
Me: AAAAnnnyway…getting back to your original point, some chick was in a film with Ralph Fiennes, yes?
Ma: Yep. Oh wait – she has an abbreviated name. With a J. OOh – J-LAW maybe.
Me: Jennifer Lawrence – but I’m not sure if she’s been in anything with Ralph.
Ma: She has! The one where she’s a Maid. In Manhattan. But I can’t remember what it’s called.
Me: (Groaning) Jennifer Lopez, Ma. And take a stab at the title.
Ma: That’s her! J20!
Me: That’s a drink, Ma. You mean J-Lo. J-LAW is how you’d say it in a Bury accent.
Ma – Geriatric?
Me: B U R Y A C C E N T.