When I was little I was so hungry
that I loved all those American telly shows that sounded like food
And shows made up of surnames;
Thanks to Cagney, Lacey, Starsky, and Hutch
Everything looked brighter and safer across the pond.
The enormous cars gleamed
If they were even cars at all
Being that they were the size of houses
And their houses were the size of palaces
Especially those Columbo-Baddie residences with grass for carpets.
They also had great serial killers
And The Hulk
So when I killed my entire family or painted myself green, I could always blame the telly.
Savalas made me love lollipops
I couldn’t tell you whether he was any good – I only watched the thing because I wanted to lick his head.
And they had everything years before we did.
And American teeth