Whose line is it Anymum?


Ma -That actress was in the paper again, did you see her dress?

Lin -Who?

Ma -She was in that film with whatshisname. Garfield.

Lin -What the ACTUAL?

Ma -Garfield. He played Garfield.

Lin -You do know I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about?

Ma -Ok, erm…she was in that thing with the fella from the other thing.

Lin -Nope. Think again, Ma…

Ma -The THING! The one with Leslie Nielsen.

Lin -Naked Gun? Forbidden Planet?

Ma -He was in Schindling’s list.

Lin -(Trying not to laugh) I think you mean Liam Neeson, Ma.

Ma -Yes. But not him, the other fella. Relph. Yeah – that’s ‘im.

Lin-Ralph Fiennes? When did he play Garfield?

Ma -The one on the moors. With the girl from the song. The Kate Bush one.

Lin – Oh my good god.

Ma – What?

Lin – H E A T H C L I F F, mother. That’s an altogether different cat.

Ma – That’s the clown.

Lin – I’m losing the will to live…

Ma – So does he.

Lin – AAAAnnnyway…getting back to your original point, some chick was in a film with Ralph Fiennes, yes?

Ma – Yep. Oh wait – she has an abbreviated name. With a J. OOh – J-LAW maybe.

Lin. -Jennifer Lawrence – but I’m not sure if she’s been in anything with Ralph.

Ma – She has! The one where she’s a Maid. In Manhattan. But I can’t remember what it’s called.

Lin – (Groaning) Jennifer Lopez, Ma. And take a stab at the title.

Ma – That’s her! J20!

Lin – That’s a drink, Ma. You mean J-Lo. J-LAW is how you’d say it in a Bury accent.

Ma – Geriatric?

Lin – B U R Y A C C E N T.

Ma – What?




Ma: They’re showing repeats of that show.

Me: Which one?

Ma: -Y’know, the show. The one with the fella.

Me: erm…

Ma: YOU know! We used to watch it all the time! It was set in a house in America, he was a Doctor, his wife was dead funny….black fella….THAT’S IT!!!! Bing Crosby.

Me: ERM…



Ma: Ya shoulda SEEN this flick last night..me and yer dad cried buckets.

Me: Which film?

Ma: I don’t know.

Me: Who was in it?

Ma: No idea

Me: The year? What was it about? Where and when was it set?

Ma: I don’t know. But it had that old geezer from Oscar. The priesty fella.

Me: Don Ameche?

Ma: Yeah! It was about this…erm…y’know…what do they call them over there? Butts? Yeah. A butt.

Me: A backside? A film about an arse? Starring Don Ameche?

Ma: No, silly! A tramp!

Me: BUM!!! You mean BUM!!!

Ma: No! It was great!!!

…..I GIVE UP…..



Random Remembrance: a few years ago, asking Mum what she wanted for Christmas. 

Ma: Ooh! A crucifix! A cross and chain!Me: Which type? Gold? Silver?

Ma: I don’t mind, as long as it has that label underneath Jesus.

Me: label?

Ma: The one that says IRA.