Homeless Odyssey

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You know those viral videos of homeless people, where they turn out to be a gifted painter/wonderful musician/insert skill here? Have you seen ’em?  They’re really rather awesome and hit you right in the feeliest of feels.

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Watch this bum play the piano!
They passed this hobo a guitar – you will not BELIEVE what happened next!

What if they had no discernible skills whatsoever? What then?

But nah – it takes TALENT for a person to be deemed worthy. A video clip that makes you feel good about yourself, because y’know, THOSE ones – the ones with whom you can identify – are worth saving.

The mean old grumpy arsed stinkin’ man on the street is homeless. But fuck him – he can’t sing.

And as for that pisshead in Waterstones’ doorway? Why won’t she tap-dance for us?

Don’t get me started on that baggy old bag who sleeps under the rhythmless bridge. Can’t play for toffee.

Luckily, we will never have to see them. Nobody’d want to see that footage, so -thank fuck- they can stay invisible.

But rest assured – as not one of those people can hold a tune, so you should feel free to walk on by.

Hallmarked (or: The Last Laugh)

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Snorty McSnorterson
Laughed so hard
That he’d even laugh
At Hallmark Cards;
He found said crap
Excessively risible
He’d cackle away like a witch
Or a wizard – well;
Snorty he laughed,
He laughed so wrong
That he’d have a good giggle
At funeral songs.
He chortled away
At his Nanna’s fresh grave
And he guffawed with spit
At the service they gave.
And he laughed at the war
And at poverty, cancer
When he thought it was apt
To continue with banter.
And I knew there was no chance
Of stopping the twat;
Short of killing him now
-GAVE ME IDEAS, that:
Or he’d carry on roaring
And laugh off his head,
But now, he would giggle
Until he went dead.
So, Snorty McSnorterson
Laughed his last laugh
When he ate his last meal
At a greasy spoon caff
For the waitress in there
Was a lass he’d forgotten
(He’d left her the day
after banging her rotten)
No thoughts after that,
Nor a care in the world;
He’d wiped from his mind
The hot semen he’d shared.
It stayed with her, though
And as life grew inside her
He’d laugh all alone
In the pub, on shite cider.
But back once again
To the renegade mistress
An opportune time
-for she just couldn’t miss this:
A quick dose of murder
Dropped into his brew;
Made him stagger –
Whilst laughing –
Alone to the loo;
Got the dose from her dad
(He’s a medic – he snuck it);
A precise l’il prescription
For kickage of bucket.
So Snorty he shat;
-Just had shits with no giggles
And then died on the bog
In an unfunny riddle.
He’d laughed himself dead,
The ridiculous lout
And they found him just sat there;
His insides were out.
As we laid him to rest,
I whispered a word;
And silence – not laughter
Was all that we heard.
“I brought her up right,
Mister Snorty McSnorterson.
You just do not mess
With my beautiful daughter, son”.

Whose line is it Anymum?

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Ma -That actress was in the paper again, did you see her dress?

Lin -Who?

Ma -She was in that film with whatshisname. Garfield.

Lin -What the ACTUAL?

Ma -Garfield. He played Garfield.

Lin -You do know I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about?

Ma -Ok, erm…she was in that thing with the fella from the other thing.

Lin -Nope. Think again, Ma…

Ma -The THING! The one with Leslie Nielsen.

Lin -Naked Gun? Forbidden Planet?

Ma -He was in Schindling’s list.

Lin -(Trying not to laugh) I think you mean Liam Neeson, Ma.

Ma -Yes. But not him, the other fella. Relph. Yeah – that’s ‘im.

Lin-Ralph Fiennes? When did he play Garfield?

Ma -The one on the moors. With the girl from the song. The Kate Bush one.

Lin – Oh my good god.

Ma – What?

Lin – H E A T H C L I F F, mother. That’s an altogether different cat.

Ma – That’s the clown.

Lin – I’m losing the will to live…

Ma – So does he.

Lin – AAAAnnnyway…getting back to your original point, some chick was in a film with Ralph Fiennes, yes?

Ma – Yep. Oh wait – she has an abbreviated name. With a J. OOh – J-LAW maybe.

Lin. -Jennifer Lawrence – but I’m not sure if she’s been in anything with Ralph.

Ma – She has! The one where she’s a Maid. In Manhattan. But I can’t remember what it’s called.

Lin – (Groaning) Jennifer Lopez, Ma. And take a stab at the title.

Ma – That’s her! J20!

Lin – That’s a drink, Ma. You mean J-Lo. J-LAW is how you’d say it in a Bury accent.

Ma – Geriatric?

Lin – B U R Y A C C E N T.

Ma – What?