AILEEN VS PREDATOR

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Here’s how it goes:

There’s a girl. The girl looks half decent. And by decent, I mean that she has female parts- the sum of which apparently, in the minds of many, equate to “you flatter me enough and I will fuck you”. For she has no brain, you see. Not a cell. She can’t have – she’s a girl.

She’s an Aileen or a Lisa or an Anna or a Kate – she’s everywoman.

She befriends some geezer on social media, due to mutual friends and/or common interests. Said geezer knows exactly how easy she is, for she has flickingly long hair. ASKING for it, she is. She MUST be – he’s sure he saw some cleavage in one of those selfies of hers.

After precisely three seconds, the “you’re gorgeous” comments come flooding into her inbox. She must simply love hearing this because, after all, she occasionally wears lippie. And women only wear the stuff when they’re on the pull, right?

She ignores this, and because she always gives people the doubt’s benefit, continues on her merry way putting the universe to rights and annotating aforementioned social media outlet with every single thought that pops into her bonce. But even though (and perhaps BECAUSE) it’s a beautiful bonce, surely she must be tired of all this CULTURE she seems to relish so? She needs a good bangin’. That’s what she needs. HE will TELL her what she needs.

POETRY, though? Damn.

She likes a book or two? Hmm.

He sees her cleverness as another IN. Let’s use that, he thinks. I’ll tell her how smart she is – bet she’s never been told that before. She won’t see past my crafty ruse or crack my code, he thinks.

The lame-arsed twat then proceeds to TELL her those alarm-bell words:

“You’re actually really smart”.

ACTUALLY.

As in “I am surprised that this is so. Because you’re soooo pretty/beautiful/a mere girl”

Dumb Dude’d presumed otherwise. And SO dumb is DD that he doesn’t realise that  telling her how smart she ACTUALLY is ACTUALLY says more than a shitload of ACTUAL steaming hot horsepoo about his shitty little dungself, actually.

(You can save some time by avoiding telling someone they are ACTUALLY really smart. Just chase-cut and tell ’em they look downright dense. Brevity is the day’s order, after all).

Back to this particular gobshite.

He had clearly expected her to fall *into his arms, for so fucking flattering was his fucking flattery that she just could.not.help.herself. DAMN her brainlessness!

*onto his cock.

But alas.…he must resign himself to her choice of unfriending or blockery…she has an amazing brain and the BEST ears. Ears that have served her well.

And why?

When a bloke tells a girl they’re actually really smart, their smarty-pants bullshit horsepoo filter sieves through the crap.

When a bloke tells a girl they’re actually really smart, what she actually hears is that you, sir, are not.

 

How Liberate Tutemet Came Into Being

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How The Blog Began……
LIBERATE TUTEMET – (or LIBERA TE TUTEMET) is a sweet l’il précis version of LIBERA TE TUTEMET EX INFERIS, Which means “save yourself from Hell” and is used to BEAUTIFULLY spooky effect in Event Horizon. (Nerd Alert)
These days it’s translated somewhat more loosely, having somewhat colloquially morphed into “Free Yourself” which is fine with me.   Another reason?  I just LOVE the music of the phrase.
But the main reason for the blog’s title was to honour a little throwaway Facebook post of mine that took on a life of its own a couple of years back.  The post ended up my most popular ever….and it was later used by a teacher friend who used it to educate the class about the power of language (and taking that power AWAY). Then a colleague used it for pretty much the same reason at an equal ops conference. I received no fewer than (in the end) 194 messages and emails of support for essentially having a big mouth…..
If you’re smart, you’ll get it. To be honest, if you’re reading this in the first place you probably already get ME so there you have it.
LIBERATE TUTEMET
This is my CND. The Campaign for Noun Disarmament. And verbs, adjectives, phrases, or indeed anything else that tickles your fancy (whatever the fuck THAT means). I’m fed up with homofuckingphobia. I hate-with a passion-any kind of name-calling aimed at disabled people. Racism and Xenophobia disgust me.

So – let’s talk about it……why am I doing this when I risk offending the entire social media population?

Well – I saw some nasty kids picking on another, calling him a RETARD. (I’m guessing the kids’ parents are arsewipes too).

A (very) wise person suggested I repeat this word over and over to myself, meaninglessly, to take away its power. And do you know what? It worked. It was so liberating, in an almost other-worldly way that I’d not experienced before.

So here’s the deal. This is my room 101, where anything goes. I realise that I run the risk of offending MOST of my friends, but for anyone who has ever been the victim of bullying, or been on the receiving end of hatred, you might just understand why I’m doing this. And I’m ok with those odds.

Say these words in here. Repeat them. And in doing so, let’s take away their power. They do not control you; YOU control yourself. These words say so much more about the fuckwits that use them than they do about the person/group on the receiving end. They are JUST words: let’s disarm the fuckers.

These words are used with such vacuous hatred in this World of ours, so I want them THROWN AWAY lightly in here. I want them cast aside, banished into a Facebook comment.

Why on here? It’s the ideal forum. I have a superbly diverse set of friends, most of whom are creative and open-minded……Playwrights, Actors, Bloggers, Artists…….and teachers. Let’s TEACH.

This is for my gay friends. This is for my brown, black, and olive friends. This is for my friends who have kids with special needs. This is for my brother who is a FAGGOT and for my Mum who is a FUCKING CRIPPLE.

KEY KEEPERS

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I am not a normal person – this you will have established for yourself if you have been following my blog. I don’t think like everybody else, and as for behaviour, well –  I just Do.Not.Conform.

With that in mind comes a disclaimer: what you are about to read is my own personal opinion and I am not trying to glorify or justify or condone any fuckking thing. Got it? Not one single thing. Good.

This rant comes to you from the heart and soul of one woman; and it’s about other women. Shallow ones, in my own humble. And specifically, my fem-dar today is picking up signals from women who just can’t bring themselves to love a real man.

Ever heard a chick complaining about her bloke? Here’s a reminder:

– He’s got too much baggage.

– He’s too emotional

– He’s too intense

– He’s possessive

Well EXCUSE ME! Or rather – him.  So your baggage-man happened to have a life before he met you, did he? BAD MAN! How fucking dare he have a past / a fucking prison sentence / an unbelievably shit-coated upbringing (or whatever the THING is that makes some women condescending judgemental arseholes).

Too emotional? Yeah – we don’t want THAT, do we? Who wants fucking FEELINGS getting in the way of a relationship? SO he cries when he’s sad. Don’t you? And have you ever asked yourself WHY he does that, let alone just BEING THERE for him?  If you haven’t, then you don’t deserve him in the first fucking place.

As for being too intense – Is there such a thing as TOO intense? I WANT this level of intensity. I want a guy who cries when he’s sad, instead of being some macho twat who keeps it all in and then ends up taking it out on me in the long run anyway. I want my guy to be fine if I die, but on the coin’s other side, totally unable to cope with the thought of life without me. THAT is the fucking passion. RIGHT THERE. I don’t want the alternative – the guy who just goes YEAH…WHATEVER… and fucks the fuck off. That, my friend, simply means he does not love you.

This does not, of course, mean that I want or expect my man to contemplate leaving this plane without me. And the reason I am ok with shooting my big rubber lips off about this? I’m hoping to be with my guy forever. FOR EVER. That’s IT. There’ll be no leaving him,  and no leaving me. Only happy stuff for us – no tragedies here. I am Catherine but I want to KEEP my Heathcliff, goddamnit.

Whilst I’m on the subject, I may as well throw in a rant-for-free about the detestable sort of person who KNOWS everything about every person who has ever attempted or succeeded in mortal-coil shuffleness by their own hand.  Because we all know suicide is selfish, right? Is it bollocks.

Suicide is not a weakness; nor is it an act of cowardice. The person – man or woman – who contemplates the ending of their own life…..feels – nay; KNOWS the world’s gonna get better without them: they’re gonna cure the world simply by not being in it, goddamnit. And for that reason alone, suicide is unselfish.

And there’s more. The state of MIND somebody has to be in to contemplate that shit? Just think about it.

Finally – possessiveness (or however you want to label it). Again – I want this. I SO want this. Do you really want your man not to fawn over your photos on Facebook or hang off your every word? It’s when he DOESN’T that you have a problem.  When he doesn’t wanna know where you’ve been and with whom.

Just think about it. Redefine OBSESSIVE or INTENSE.

These men with a past – these deities with a dark past from which they’re still trying to recover – these are the keepers. These are the SURVIVORS. And they will jump RIGHT IN and love you like you’ve never been loved before, and probably more than you actually deserve. Suffice to say they may actually be too good for you.

But if they let you love them? If they HONOUR you with every aspect of their past and ALLOW you to adore them?

Lock them up tight inside your heart and throw away the key.

Slight Monsterage Is To Be Expected

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The monsters from our past continue to fuck with us as they’ve made sure to leave us with a charming visual, which plays on a loop inside the screen of our minds. But they only stay inside your head if you LET THEM. They have no power unless you fear them….and the circle must be broken.

Monster once begat monster begat monster, with the abused becoming the abusers. But some people DO break free: they’re the gods amongst us.

This: Two brothers. One beat his wife, the other did not.

The first was asked “why do you hit your wife”?…and he replied “because I saw my father beat up on my Mom”.

His sibling was asked, “why DON’T you hit your wife”? – and he gave the same answer.

Don’t let them win.

Look under the bed and see that they’re not there.

Climb ONTO that bed…..

…..and sleep.

Nothing can harm you.

IN SELFIE DEFENCE

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Open Letter to the Selfie-Haters 


Dear Whomever-is-Complaining-at-This-Particular-Moment-in-Time (also: whomsoever-has-already-complained-or-is-contemplating-thinking-about-complaining).

I shouldn’t even be bothering with this, being that what you think of me is none of my bidness, and that what IS my bidness is none of yours…..

………but I’ll make an exception from my usual EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO NO-ONE  ethos just this once. Everything I know, I learned from me. I’m selfie-taught.

1) SELFIES ARE HEAD SHOTS: We can’t all afford professional shoots. Even those of us that can spare the green (or the plastic) are likely to end up looking like utter tools when forced into uncomfortably unnatural positions in impersonal studios. We know our best side, and we’re sure as shit gonna display it.

12) ART: Selfies allow the subject a form of freedom known as “expression” – look it up.

expression
ɪkˈsprɛʃ(ə)n,
noun
3) INDIVIDUALITY: You know  us all, do you?: Take your bland tarring-brush, (i.e. your one finger plus your i-phone). Now this: raise it above your head….higher…higher…and now THROW it away. Go on, chuck that fucker. We’re not all self-obsessed morons who take highly inappropriate self-portraits whilst driving to work/walking towards a cliff/insert dangerous situation here. Neither do we all leave our kids in the bath whilst posing in our tightie-whities, taking butt-shots in the mirror.
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4) THERAPY: Just how many ugly years have YOU experienced, being told you are hideous by parent or partner? Do you hate your own face and how it stares back at you with its too-close eyes and ugly big nose? No? Thought not. Out of six hundred and thirty-three selfies, we might post ONE on social media, just because it’s not entirely unbearable to look at. Our selfies are therapeutic evidence that we are beautiful (no matter what they say).  
5) SEE THE GOOD SIDE: That young, impressionable girl who’s expressing her creativity into the lens of an i-phone camera? Let her be. Does it bother you THAT much that you have to rip her head off and shit down her neck?  You fucking keyboard warrior – put your pitchfork down. You might be looking at a photo that makes a young, impressionable girl with very little self-worth feel good about herself for one fleeting moment– is that so bad?
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6) MOVE ON: You don’t have to look. Or comment. Just ignore it: it’s called S-C-R-O-L-L-I-N-G  D-O-W-N. If this fails, you could try scrolling down the entire friendship and delete us. We certainly won’t mind – and we probably won’t even notice. GOODBYE!!!

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7) YAWN: Don’t judge us for our selfies and we won’t judge you for your not-so-cleverly veiled and altogether unimaginative comments. You have a problem with one of us? Tell us direct – don’t hide behind one of your shitty, poorly-observed status updates from planet Generic. Come ON! Where’s your BALLS? We promise we won’t show you ours. Much.

(Maybe).

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8) WE’RE HAPPY. We have FUN – and we like to show it. Sure – I might change my profile picture every five minutes to suit my mood, but that’s why it’s called MY profile picture. If you’re jealously sad that someone’s happier than you, then go post-haste – to the Life store and pick one up.

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9) DON’T BE SHITTY: If you MUST judge, get to know someone before you do so. Judging someone’s selfie-love is equally as unfair as shitting all over someone’s appearance for whatever other shitty reason you can think of. You’re probably the same person who gets on their soap horse* about people calling curvy women fat, so please flush that hypocritical shit of yours down the loo and start over.

* Soap Box + High Horse

 

10) GET THE FUCK OVER IT.  Go and comment on things that actually matter …I dunno…..like CURRENT AFFUCKINGFAIRS.

GO WRITE SOME POETRY. GO MAKE A MOVIE. GO WRITE A NOVEL. AND A SCREENPLAY.

Go and ENCOURAGE.

Be an ENABLER.

Be NICE.

(Or, you could go and extol the virtues of pigmeat or post pictures of your dinner. Or your cat. Or your cat eating dinner).

Gain some PERSPECTIVE, people. Crawl out from your own arse and try and improve the World; even one tiny little bit.

Just like this selfie-confessed optimist is trying to do.

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ROLLERCOASTER

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If I read one more lazy-arse review using “juxtaposition” in the wrong context when they actually meant “contrast”, or describing a film as a ROLLERCOASTER of a ride, I SWEAR I am going to stalk the person responsible, stick ’em on the Big Dipper on repeat for six hours and then see how their face likes being juxtaposed with my fist.

We Have Such Sights To Show You

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So – you’re a movie buff. Me too. But for those of you still in the filmfreak closet, here’s a way you can quote your favourite lines ALL….DAY….LONG….and nobody need ever know (unless you want them to – I assure you, it’s a great pulling technique if you want to gather yourself a nice, smart movie geek).

Technically, any flick with a half-decent script is a quotemine, so this list is compiled with that in mind; to show you just how easy it is. Quotes you didn’t know you knew, lines from films that are usually overlooked when it comes to “Best Quote” lists. It’s especially thigh-slappingly amusing trying to crowbar a line into a conversation at work. With a customer. On the telephone. And yes – I have. Many times.

So fly, fly – engage in a little of your own project mayhem that only the true enthusiast will espy. Let’s explore how we can take oft-overlooked statements and make them work for us (Work it, baby, work it…)

Ah….We have such sights to show you….

The Terminator (1984)

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Why it’s so quotable – with a Duel-like chase, the story becomes all the more sinister as Arnie’s Terminator takes on the voice of Sarah Connor’s mother to track her down at the sleazy motel. You too can be equally menacing if you need to know where someone lives:

“Give me your address there”.

OR…..run from that spider crawling towards you, at the same time maniacally exclaiming:

Why me? Why does it want me?

When trying to haggle at a market or garage sale, turn to whoever is next to you and tell them, referring to the vendor:

It can’t be bargained with, it can’t be reasoned with.

(Using this one makes you truly awesome.)

This will all stand you in good stead for the day you need to borrow someone’s clothes, boots, and motorcycle.

Withnail and I (1987)

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Why it’s so quotable- the greatness of the nothingness of every single thing that happens in this movie owes itself to Bruce Robinson’s uber-screenplay. He provides us with a truly juicy superabundance of utterances which can be easily levered into everyday speak.

The finest hangover line available to humanity?

I feel like a pig shat in my head.

Feeling a little paranoid in a new office or hotel room?

You’re not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.

When you experience poor service at a local establishment, it’s super-fun to yell:

We are multimillionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately.

(Of course, they won’t believe you, but your pure awesomeness makes that a moot point).

When you’ve haggled with the vendor at the aforementioned garage sale, you do of course need to tell them they’re out of their mind. But it only makes sense when you get down to two quid.

Fight Club (1999)

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Why it’s so quotable – With their screenplay, the deities that are Chuck Palahniuk and Jim Uhls make things secretly obvious. If you’re anything like me, by the end of the movie your head is spinning with the incredible dialogue you’ve just heard.

To console someone about a break-up:

It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.

If you want a slap in the chops, wait until someone you know gives birth to a girl and utter:

We’re a generation of men raised by women. I’m wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

(The mere danger/stupidity value of using this quote means you’ll receive extra cool points on your awesomeness chart).

It’s the ideal movie for paraphrasing purposes, too, where you can create endless phrases inspired by Chuck and Jim: “I am Philip’s sense of utter rejection” or “I am Maria’s total lack of responsibility”.  I am Linda’s lack of fuck-giving. That kind of stuff.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

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Why it’s so quotable – it’s fucking Ferris fucking Bueller’s fucking Day Off. That is all.

Customer service agents leaving you frustrated on the telephone? So many choices: but to start with you could ask them

Do you know anything?

(Or simply tell them to stick their finger up their butt).

Worried about being fired for using Terminator quotes on the telephone? Talk about your boss thus:

If I’m gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a guy like that.

And if you are clever enough to crowbar:

I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind

into a real life situation, then I may need to marry you a little bit.

This will imbue a sense of greater purpose and confidence: If you need to call across the office to your colleague Grace, you KNOW how it must be done.

Beetlejuice (1988)

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Why it’s so quotable – If you ever wanted to prove yourself strange and unusual, this film gives you the chance.

Not into the person trying to pull you down the local boozer? Refuse to tell them your name:

If I tell you, you’ll tell your friends…

..and go on to say it’d make your life Hell, ok? A living hell. (Disclaimer: at this juncture, if they get it and laugh hysterically, you may have to have a rethink – they might just be The One).

Viewing a new house? Not too keen? Tell the estate agent:

Oh look! An indoor outhouse.

Of course, there is the one you HAVE to use whenever you try on a new outfit:

This might be a good look for me.

Extra points for saying it after sucking on some helium.

Dave (1993)

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Why it’s so quotable – because it rocks. Simple.

Excellent insults abound:

You’re LINT! You’re a FLEA! You’re a BLIP!

Try on a sweater vest and complain in your best Voice of Ving that it makes your neck look too thick.

Take the kids on a museum trip just so you can say:

We’re walking, we’re walking…and we’re stopping.

(This could only be made cooler if Frank Langella were to bustle past).

Be Dave. Because Dave is just wonderful. Fess up to everything:

I take full responsibility for each one of my illegal actions.

If you know anyone called Ellen (or with the initials LN), you do of course have to thank them for doing this at every available opportunity. It’s the law.

Robocop (1987)

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Why it’s so quotable – because it’s essentially a comic lavishly portrayed by real people. It’s also one of the finest movies ever made.

Assure your friend that their upcoming surgery will be a success:

They’ll fix you. They fix everything.

Made a typo on a document? As you delete it, you MUST say out loud:

Now it’s time to erase that mistake.

(Come on! Say it with me!)

There ARE a lot more quotes from this movie…..I can feel them… but I can’t remember them.

Austin Powers(s) –  (1997 et seq)

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Why it’s so quotable – because it’s such a well-rounded collection of Mmmmmovies.

Don’t go for the obvious YEAH BABY nonsense. But if you’re about to go for surgery to correct your vision, you HAVE to do air quotes when you say LASER otherwise it’s just a wasted opportunity.

Channel Scott Evil wherever possible, with as many, like, whatevers as you can. And always refer to the French language as Paris talk. It’s like, cool.

Being that you’ll often hear people using the boring old in-a-nutshell phrase, you can liven things up. You know how – get on your back and be you, in a nutshell.

As you do this, laugh inwardly at your own genius, point to someone and tell them that’s where they are. They’re there.

Casablanca (1942)

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Why it’s so quotable – it’s set in a gin joint. There’s booze.

Enter a casino and declare that you are:

..shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!

Next time someone calls you a piss-head, explain that that makes you a citizen of the world.

Confuse the enemy: explain that somehow,

just because you despise me, you are the only one I trust.

You could also tell someone that you are looking at them, kid, but this may just cause confusion.

School for Scoundrels (1960)

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Why it’s so quotable – watch it. Just watch it.

Tell someone you’ve been married a long time. Perhaps almost

Be utterly charming and patronising at the same time, translating everything on the menu. Even if it’s in English.

Point to some tomatoes in your local store, and state what they are.

If you’re being berated for trying to get one over on someone, explain that:

he who is not one up, is one down.

Speaking of one-upmanship, get one over on your local garage by convincing them that your piss-poor excuse for a heap-of-crap car is actually a rare automotive gem.

See? It’s easy when you know how. I’m off for a game of golf now, but it’s snowing. So I’ll use red balls.