FILM REVIEW – LAST VEGAS

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This is NOT the official review, by the way……but I just experienced THAT moment. Y’know, the one where you watch a movie containing some of the GREATEST fucking artists ever….and they’re all on screen together an’ stuff…but you end up trying to poke out your own eyeballs (earballs too, maybe).

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 I’m referring to “Grandfathers Do ‘The Hangover’ “, of course.  I can’t even bring myself to type the actual, hideously crowbarred, I-see-what-you-did-there title. There is a time and place for puns; movie titleage is not it.

We have Michael Douglas in leftover Liberace orange-face, being…well – Michael Douglas. Then there’s Morgan Freeman who, apart from one inspired little bit of inebriation, leaves me otherwise MEH….De Niro IS, of course, doing his “I’m really THAT fucking awesome that you can’t take your eyes off me ” thing….which is always good. Boring, but good.

But….and I feel horribly filthy even saying this, what with his being the GOD of everything ‘n’all….Kevin Kline just ain’t right. I feel like I’m cheating on him; I mean – bugger ME!! He’s OTTO, for fuck’s sake!!! He’s The Pirate King! He’s Dave! He’s Bottom! He’s Cole fucking Porter!!!!! (I could go on….). I must go and partake of some nifty little self-flagellation to atone for these thoughts…….

So….anyway….the story – such as it is. There’s this bloke, played by Dougie baby. He’s getting on a bit, and is about to get hitched to a 32-year old (a stretch – I know).

Unimaginatively, his three mates join him in Vegas for his utterly ghastly and extremely chavtastic stag bash. And we can guess the rest as soon as we see him perving over Mary Steenburgen. Yeah: there’s Mary as a kind of jazz singery thingymabob, who sounds more than a little like Snow White with her sitting-on-a-sex-toy singing voice.

Kev’s role? A sixty-something geezer, whose missus has given him (along with a blue pill and a condom) the green light to do whatever it is that usually stays in Vegas, in the hope that when he returns to her, he’ll pork away and fuck her blue. (Ok…it might not have been put *exactly* like that, and I realise that I *may* be channelling Otto a little bit).

But – YAWN. What a travesty of a sham of a mockery of a waste of a *Kevin. He’s just too fucking awesome for such a lame-ass role.

(*Often found myself wishing he had a cooler moniker).

It’s definitely not going down in Lin’s most-quotable movie list, being that I can’t recall any memorable lines; despite having only just watched the fucker.

This film should have been good. It should have been either amazeballingly awesome or awesballingly amazesome. Sadly, it was neither. All it was? A load of leftover one-liners from the Bucket List.

So. Erm…yeah. Do I have anything good to say about this movie? Erm…There’s Curtis Jackson in a nice self-parodying cameo, and that guy is well fit. Nice gnashers.

That’s it.

Oh fukkit – this IS the official review.

GiveMeALobotomyToRemoveThisFromMyGreystuff rating (out of 5):

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